By Binod Shrestha (Australia)
This is not about where I’d been for the last few days. It’s not even about what I did. It’s all about what I DIDN’T.
Last Friday I left Sydney for Wagga for some work. I left office mid-day and joined other 6 people to reach Wagga on time as planned. We had a team meeting and planned how to work around in an efficient way. We slept on time woke up just to have breakfast and leave for work. I hadn’t prayed or chanted Hanuman Chalisa that morning as I didn’t get fresh that time. I had proposed to work as quick as possible and finish within 2 days instead of 3 so that we could roam around and reach Sydney few hours earlier than what had been planned initially. The day just passed and we worked till 8 in the evening ending up with a tired body. We had some chitchat and everyone left for bed slowly one after the other. I along with few were enjoying football on the tv. I ended up sleeping late that night and next morning the same thing happened. We left for work earlier than yesterday right after breakfast. So, I didn’t have the time to pray nor chant Hanuman Chalisa on Sunday as well which I normally do after waking up. Mid-day I took a break and chanted Hanuman Chalisa. Soon after I had to head back to work but I’d already got a msg “Work fast and finish today. You’ll be paid for tomorrow as well.” I pushed everyone to finish on Sunday so that we could have a day off on Monday. Few minutes later, someone tells us that we’ll be paid for tomorrow as well even if we finish today. I just smile and continue working. We work till late and head for dinner once the work is completed. We headed back home and had plans for tomorrow before slowly heading to bed as usual. I, just like the other day (and usual) end up going to bed only after everyone had left. It’s 2 am in the morning and I’m preparing to sleep. I still haven’t gone through the lessons even once in the last 60 hrs. This is where I start to have problems. I’m now starting to get little lost but I’m okay. We head back to Sydney and I’m home. I’m a bit sleepy but don’t want to sleep as I don’t want to stay awake all night which happens when I sleep during the day. So, I postpone my sleep till 12. I am not prepared to sleep as I’ve few things to do. It’s 11:30 and now I start doing things which I should have an hour back. I’m already late and it’s 12:30 AM. I am about to read the lessons for the first time in more than 80 hours and I get a message from a good friend of mine. We chat a bit and I am a bit dizzy. So, I start to read the lessons with WiFi and mobile data off as I don’t want to be disrupted while I go through the lessons. I finish it off and intend to say goodnight but I’ve lost my sleep. I can’t fall asleep and it’s another hour before I sleep finally. 2 am and I get to sleep. Why do I always have to sleep this late as it’s been years that I’ve not slept regularly on time?
It’s Tuesday today and I read the lessons for the first time since Friday morning. I don’t feel okay as I start to work. I can’t concentrate nor remember what I was trying to do few minutes back. I’m now getting annoyed myself but I continue to fight and gain self control. Half way through the day and I’m in a very bad mood. I feel like something is wrong with me. I feel like vomiting but I don’t. I don’t to hear anyone saying no to me nor anyone not obeying me. I feel like beating or punching people whoever does that to me. I also had a feeling that I should resign and go home to have some rest. I have plans to work here till the first quarter of 2018 before I quit. I know this is not me. I feel punching a good friend of mine who I was chatting with little while ago. I have never ever even thought so and promised myself that I’d never do anything like that with a good friend as that. I know someone is taking control over me and it’s getting worse that I can handle. I try to focus back on my work and ignore everyone. I’m slowly getting normal but still haven’t been able to control my thoughts. I see someone inside me punching the person who’s talking with me. I’m not sure why I’m mad with him as I’ve told him calmly for the last few weeks and today I’m a different person. I get off my desk in order to avoid any unwanted situation created due to me. I even feel like dying out of nowhere. I am so disappointed and feel so low. The receptionist whom I normally talk to with a smile sees I’m tired and asks if I needed any help. How can she help me when I’m tired due to someone inside messing up with me? I have been very lucky to be able to control myself as a punch on my co-worker would end me up somewhere else where I’d have to do find myself behind bars instead of my bed. I simply ignore anything that’s happening within me and wait for the day to end. I leave the office just like school kids leave school after the last bell.
I know it might simply look normal to others who don’t get it but it’s simply been a very challenging day so much that I never would want another day like this in my life ever. I almost reached the peak of insanity at some point of time during the day. It was my ability to control myself that saved me but not everyone will be this lucky as I was today.
I remember when Mama told us that once you’ve started to walk this journey, there’s no turning back. You just have to continue walking ahead but I paused for a while and got a life long unforgettable experience which I’d never want to experience again. This is not only a lesson for me but also to all those who are a part of the Brahmagyani family. I’m glad and thankful to all those whoever has been a part of this incredible journey and helped me learn more each day from the young ones to the old ones. Each of you have helped me for the last couple of years in one way or the other.
Thank you everyone for all the support through all the good and bad times. It is you without whom I’d not have come out of this today.